Yours Truly

Nov 23, 2011 by

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Dear Members of Wilco,

Thank you for your years of service.  I have found great pleasure listening to your band over the past decade.  However, I still find that your best work came in the early 90’s, when the band was under the name Uncle Tupelo.  What happened to Jay?  I miss him dearly; do you guys still keep in touch?  I heard Jay did not like band members (Jeff) stroking his girlfriend’s hair.  Do you still practice that technique with current band members’ girlfriends?  Weird, but whatever floats your boat.  Good luck with continued success and here’s hoping that old girlfriend stuff can someday be put aside.

A big fan of the years 1987-1994,

Matt

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Dear Idiots,

Stop using the word plethora.  I understand the need to sound smart.  I get it.  Dropping the word plethora for an unprecedented fifth time within a ten-minute conversation makes you sound desperate and unintelligent.  You’re not fooling anyone.

My sincerest constructive criticism,

Matt

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Dear Tim Tebow,

Congratulations to you and the Denver Broncos on an exciting win over the New York Jets.  The win helped my Patriots gain a little cushion in the AFC East standings, as well as sticking it to that loud mouth Rex Ryan.

I guess I had no idea the Navy offense was transferable to the NFL.  Good luck on the rest of your mediocre season.

Take care,

Matt

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Dear Coach K,

Congratulations on win 903, an unbelievable feat, you should feel extremely proud.  You truly deserve an abundance of recognition for the program you lead at Duke University.   The Duke men’s basketball program has been built on recruiting not only talented basketball players, but also decent upstanding young men.  Under your leadership as Duke University’s head basketball coach, you have won national championships, ACC titles, and many of your former players have found success on the hard courts of the NBA.  Other former players have been successful in life whether in the business world or coaching at other schools and universities.

What moves me the most though, is that you have never caused a stir, or been guilty of an infraction, with the NCAA, all the while recruiting some of the best high school players this country can offer.  How do you do it?  Color me impressed.

I do have one favor to ask.  Would it at all be possible for you to use your influence and notoriety to do something that impacts collegiate sports?  Can’t you, in addition to releasing highly moral, hardworking, disciplined, and educated athletes into society, also stand up to the ridiculousness of the NCAA Committee and its board members?   I know the coaching fraternity, including you, left this to Jerry Tarkanian to shoulder.  However, the last time I checked, Tark was retired from coaching.  Jerry is an old man now, beaten by the rigors of coaching, and scarred by the NCAA and its goons.   Seems like he was one of the very few to actually see how their rules were idiotic and unfair.  He was one who had the balls to actually stand up to those bastards at the NCAA.  I guess you and other coaches left him to fight alone.  Way to have his back.

Don’t get me wrong:  following rules, bylaws, and guidelines are commendable.  But how long can you fall in line with the hypocrisy and deceptiveness of an organization such as the NCAA?  I would just ask you to fight for some of the bylaws to be changed, or at least provide a voice for others of lesser stature that are unjustly affected by the NCAA’s absurd rules.   Are all those championships and ease of recruiting really worth it?   Get a spine Mike, and take the lead from Tark.

Again congratulations on all your accomplishments.

Best,

Matt

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Dear Ms. Chris,

I wanted to offer you a suggestion regarding the school’s next Thanksgiving play, or any play for that matter.  Unlike mothers, who can balance a hundred things at once, fathers need a little more guidance at times or, at the very least, a reminder.  I had no idea my daughter was to reprise the role of an Indian (Native American) from the year 1620.  I was also dumbfounded when you asked me, on the morning of the play, if I had brought in a brown shirt as part of her Indian attire.  As I looked down at my young daughter, in her pink shirt, I thought back to my history classes to remember if Indians (Native Americans) ever wore pink garb.  I could not recall.

Next time, Just drop a note in the book bag, and I promise you she will be wearing a brown shirt that will make all Native Americans proud of their ancestors that broke bread with a bunch of white dudes from Europe.

Thanks for understanding; my daughter loves you.

A sometimes clueless father,

Matt

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving and kudos to the class’s wonderful reenactment of the first Thanksgiving.

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Dear United States Federal Government,

How are things?  It seems like you’re staying busy, especially regarding affairs that bare no effect on America’s issues or problems.  However, can you point to something recently that your squad has accomplished?  I am sure there is something, but of what value?

I thought I would pass over a suggestion to help with all the clutter and crap steering you away from whatever it is your suppose to do….govern?  How about stepping away from all involvement except in the following:

1.     Improve the public education system in America.

2.     Provide health coverage to all Americans.

3.     Protect America.

4.     Provide checks and balances on the legislative and executive branches through the judicial branch.

Sometimes keeping it simple helps; I have found this approach to be highly effective.  Think quality first; remember you can only do three to five things really well anyway.

I believe we can take care of everything else.  Give your best and good luck!

A hopeful American citizen,

Matt

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Dear Cancer,

Could you refocus your efforts on society’s malignant people?  You have inflicted your bullshit on way too many of the good ones.  Do you even read up on these people,  why are you are so careless and thoughtless?  So please think before you act, there are many in this world we can do without, so start there and leave the rest alone.  We need the good ones to be around for a long time, they make life enjoyable.  Thanks for reading; no response necessary.

Sincerely,

Matt

P.S. Fuck You

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Dear Dad,

Get well soon.  Know that your family loves you and you have our utmost support on the road to recovery.  Stay strong during the steep climb; the peak is within your reach.

By the way, don’t give the nurses too much shit.

Your proud son,

Matt

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