Thirteen! Drunk Dialing Fredi Gonzalez

Aug 8, 2013 by

(Editor’s note – Alan’s moratorium on writing about Braves baseball came to a very drunken end sometime around 4:30 this morning.  In a fit of inebriated joy, Alan found his phone, and drunk dialed his long time nemesis.  Below is the transcript.)

Fredi:  Hello?

Alan:  Fredi, it’s me!  Alan!  Isn’t this exciting?   Thirteen in a row!!  Thirteen!

Fredi:  Um, sorry, I’m just waking up, who is this?

Alan:  You’re a funny guy Fredi; I know it must be like receiving a call from a complete stranger.  Usually I’m pissed off when we have these late night conversations, but tonight I’m ecstatic.  It’s the sheer ecstasy of a win streak; you know what I’m saying?  I don’t remember feeling this good about the Braves playoff chances since Bobby was in charge.

Fredi:  Bobby?  Is that what you said?  Is this Bobby?  Why are you calling me at…uh… 4:23 in the morning?  You know we had a game last night and an off day today, I was going to sleep in.

Alan:  It’s been a long time since we’ve talked, and to be fair, I haven’t always been nice to you.  I’ve written a lot of things over the years questioning your ability to manage a bullpen, young players, you’re love of the squeeze, making Brian McCann bunt that one time.  I’m actually still pissed at you about that one, but this is not the time to call into question your many questionable calls.  This is a time to celebrate!

Fredi:  I really gotta get some sleep Bobby; you promised you wouldn’t call me like this anymore…

Alan:  Fredi, shut up for a second, I can’t even get a word in on you here.  Listen, I’ve been drinking, I mean thinking, aww hell, who am I fooling?  I’ve been drinking and thinking, and this is what I think – You haven’t done a total shit job this year.  You hear that?  I’m patting you on the back brother, good job so far this year. 

Fredi:  Thanks, I guess Bobby, now if that’s all…

Alan:  But I’d be remiss if I didn’t bring up the utter collapse of two years ago and the general flailing around of last year, not to mention the wild streaky luck of this year.  You hear me?  This is not in the bag; we still have two months of baseball yet, and like my friends keep telling me, “There’s plenty of time left for the Braves to collapse.”  Don’t let that happen Fredi.  Don’t make me endure another year of casual baseball fans giving me a hard time because my team shit the bed in the last four weeks of the season while their bandwagon Pirates or Red Sox made it in.  Can you do that?

Fredi:  We don’t want to collapse either Bobby, it’s really too late for this discussion, Go back to bed, your wife misses you.

Alan:  Listen Fredi, I don’t think you are taking this serious enough.  Do I need to bring in Chipper?  In fact, hold on one minute, I’m conferencing him in.

Shuffling and cursing ensues, then ringing.

Chipper:  Hello?

Alan: Chipper?  It’s Alan, I’ve got Fredi on the phone, and he doesn’t think getting into the playoffs is that big of a deal.  What do you think?

Chipper:  Who is this?

Fredi:  Bobby, I never said it wasn’t important…

Alan:  Shut up Fredi.  Pay attention Chipper, its Alan.  Hey wait, do I hear giggling in the background?  What’s going on over there?

Chipper:  Umm, I’ve got a few lady friends over, if you know what I mean.

Alan:  A few?

Chipper:  Yeah… you know, just trying to keep in shape, in case I decide to make another run for MVP.

Alan:  A few?  What’s a few?

Fredi:  Can I go back to bed now?

Alan:  Seriously Fredi, shut up, this is important… A few Chipper?

Chipper:  Well it depends on what your definition of a few is, I don’t know, maybe 3 maybe 4…

Alan:  You don’t know how many girls are in your bed right now?

Chipper:  Look, I’m kinda busy right now, call back tomorrow and we can talk about my ’99 season.

Chipper hangs up, but not before the squeals of his harem are heard.

Alan:  Damn Fredi, you gotta love Chipper right?  Dumb as a box of rocks, but man that guy can hit and score with the ladies. 

Fredi:  I’m going to go now bobby..

Alan:  Look Fredi, this is a team effort here, we’re all one team pulling in the same direction, this isn’t the time to start being selfish

Fredi:  I just want to get some sleep Bobby.

Alan:  Sleeping is for losers, Fredi.  You can sleep when you’re dead.  Tonight is for drinking and peyote.  At least that’s what that guy said it was.

Fredi:  I think you might be a little old for taking recreational drugs Bobby

Alan: Oh my God Fredi, it’s not like I’m taking steroids.  Here’s the deal, I want you to promise me one thing.  Can you do that?

Fredi:  If it means I go back to sleep, anything…

Alan: Don’t bunt anymore.  Not for the rest of the year, unless it’s the pitcher.   You hear me?

Fredi:  Sure Bobby, whatever you say.

Alan:  That’s my little buddy, I’m here for you, and you know that right?  You can call me any time.  But if you ever bunt again, I’ll sneak into your house while you sleep and let loose a flock of bunnies on DMT.  They might look cute, but trust me, they’re monsters on hallucinogens.  You don’t want that shit staring you in the eye and twitching their cute little noses at you in the middle of the night.

Fredi:  Goodnight Bobby.

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