The Sports Quiz

Sep 30, 2011 by

Men and women will never love sports equally.  Men and Women will never love romantic comedies equally.  It was intended this way; I believe this is a key factor in keeping the world on its axis.

You are at the bar on Sunday afternoon with a group of friends.  One of your group peers over to a table of girls watching the games with stern rooting interests, maybe even dressed in team apparel. (No, not the Hooter girls, actual customers.) Without fail, someone says  how cool it would be to date a girl who loves sports; it would be just like hanging out with all of you.  I am typically the one rolling my eyes during these conversations.  Men think they want this, but trust me they don’t.  Your friend who brought this observation to the conversation is borderline idiotic or twenty-two years old.

Do not misinterpret my tone; I am one who enjoys attending games or watching a game on TV in the company of my wife, or even a group of women.  I admire many women athletes; Steffi Graf still holds a special place in my heart.  The top sporting event this year, in terms of sheer excitement, was the Women’s World Cup.  Jackie McMullan and Mary Carillo are among the elite in their respective fields of journalism and broadcasting.  I just don’t want to collaborate with my wife on whom to draft for my fantasy league team or have her looking over my shoulder as I explore the Internet for the 1967 stats of Carl Yastrzemski.

Relationships are difficult but rewarding.  Accepting each other’s passions, obsessions, quirks, behaviors and personalities is the recipe for a successful relationship.  For many, sports play a huge role in the relationship.  So it is imperative to understand the sports relationship as early as possible.  I‘ve devised a simple sports quiz for women.  The results will give you a baseline of her sports knowledge and insight into the future.  It is ideal to give this quiz after a month of dating, or at the very latest, immediately following your proposal. The quiz consists of 20 questions covering both present and past.  How she scores on the historical questions helps you understand her sports roots.  Is she is a Johnny-come-lately sports fan or did she know some shit before you entered her life.  And that is important. 20 questions are all it takes to understand your sports relationship with your girlfriend or wife.

We are testing sports knowledge.  Nothing else is factored.  It’s the only objective way.   No matter how she scores: don’t hold it against her.  She is who she is.  She is equally annoyed with your lack of knowledge or concern about stuff she likes.  So please be sure to take this one aspect into consideration:  If your wife or girlfriend can put up with a month straight of drinking bourbon to calm your nerves, silly superstitions that never affect the outcome, and late nights agonizing over a playoff game, then that says more about her than any test could.  Consider yourself lucky, which I indeed am.  So thank you Caroline for dealing with a crazy person in October 2004.

Leave the room and give her ample time to complete.  Partial correct answers will be scored as incorrect.  You either win or lose.  She needs to accept this logic.  The questions, by design, do not contain anything about the Olympics or David Beckham.

The Questions:

1.     Lady Gaga is to Madonna as Kobe Bryant is to _________.

A.)   Larry Bird

B.)   Charles Barkley

C.)   Michael Jordan

D.)   LeBron James

2.     The movie Airplane featured what former NBA star player?

A.)   Dennis Rodman

B.)   Karl Malone

C.)   Kareem Abdul Jabbar

D.)   Magic Johnson

3.     What does R.B.I. stand for?

4.     Name two NHL hockey franchise from Canada?

5.     Name three active professional tennis players not named Serena or Venus.

6.     Name four Major League baseball players that began their career prior to 1980.

7.     What do the following acronyms stand for? 

a.     NFL

b.     ESPN

c.     NCAA

d.     ACC

8.     Match the former NFL players to their respective teams.

a.     Dan Marino           1. Pittsburgh Steelers

b.     Joe Namath           2. Miami Dolphins

c.     Walter Payton       3. New York Jets

d.     Franco Harris         4. Chicago Bears

9.     Which team won the inaugural Super Bowl?

a.     Pittsburgh Steelers

b.     Green Bay Packers

c.     Dallas Cowboys

d.     Miami Dolphins

10.  Name three college football bowls.

11.  Match the college with their nickname.

a.     UCLA                                                                  1. Huskies

b.     University of Wisconsin                                  2. Bruins

c.     University of Connecticut                               3. Tigers

d.     Louisiana State University                              4. Badgers

12.  Joe DiMaggio holds what major league baseball record? 

13.  What was Muhammad Ali’s birth name?

14.  True or False:  The Chicago Bulls have won the most NBA championship titles of any NBA franchise?

15.  Who of the following is/are not professional golfer(s)?

a.     Phil Mickelson

b.     Tom Watson

c.     Steve Nash

d.     Sergio Garcia

16.  LeBron James left what team to play for the Miami Heat?

17.  The World Series is played in what month?

18.  Match the uniform number worn by the player.

a.     99                  1. Lawrence Taylor

b.     33                  2. Larry Bird

c.     12                  3. Michael Jordan

d.     23                  4. Tom Brady

e.     56                  5. Wayne Gretzky

f.      8                    6. Mario Lemieux

g.     66                  7. Cal Ripken

19.  Kelly Slater is famous for playing what sport professionally?

20.  Jerry Jones is the owner of what professional football franchise?


Scores and Analysis:

90-100% Danger!  She will argue ad nauseam with your buddies, who thought she was really cool at first, now they despise her.  She is completely independent from you in regards of her rooting interests.  No matter how much love you have for the Baltimore Ravens, she couldn’t care less because it ain’t her team.  She has older brothers.  Has many “male friends”.  She talks shit with the best of them.  She listens to “Jock Jams.”

80-90% Your father loves her; your mother thinks she isn’t good enough for you.  Her favorite sports are more than likely NFL and College football.  She either went to an SEC or Big Ten school.   She thinks she knows more about sports than what reality presents of her knowledge.  She is the girl who met some famous athlete once, and a month doesn’t pass without you hearing that story.  She never played a second of college sports, but never missed a football or basketball game.   She was a team trainer in either high school or college.  You both have no problem calling a sitter on Saturday morning so you don’t miss kickoff.

70-80% She was an athlete in either high school or college.  She dated football and baseball players long before you entered the picture.  Wishes you had been a better athlete growing up.  She is probably in sales or a county prosecutor.  She hopes her first-born is a boy.  You and she have season tickets.  You’re the quiet one.

50-70% Perfect!  If you love sports, this is your doubles partner.  Not in the dark, willing to put up with your friends, probably will cheer for your teams out of love for you, will not be bothered if you go to the bar on a Saturday or Sunday, likes a big time sporting event, cries over the Olympic heartfelt stories, and loathes Michael Vick.   She has no interest in a regular season game but is there during playoffs and tournaments.  Twice a year she will ask your opinion on a sports related subject that totally came from left field, this excites you.  She doesn’t understand why anyone would watch the NBA.

30-50% Manageable.  She likes sports but doesn’t comprehend why you do what you do: bet on games, play fantasy sports, watch golf, wish bad things on players of the opposing teams, and wear your favorite team apparel.  She doesn’t allow for you to purchase PPV events or additional sports packages from Direct TV.  Her favorite sports are figure skating, gymnastics, and possibly college basketball.  She is hoping for daughters, but if she has a son there is no way he will ever place a cleat on a football field.  Has a brother that you can discuss sports with at family functions.  You golf every weekend.

0-30%  Here’s the thing; this is not a dire situation.  It just means that your jubilation over wins and deep depression over punch-in-the-stomach losses will be experienced alone in your living room.   Sports are silly and childish to her.  You no longer hang out with two of your close friends.  Her mother was a shrink and her father was a professor at a tiny liberal arts college located in the middle of nowhere.   Family trips to the museum are purposely scheduled on Sunday afternoons.  She will read poetry to you but not in a way Annie Savoy did in Bull Durham.

Girls, by all means, use the quiz for your overly sensitive, father hating, non-sports caring boyfriends or husbands.  Same analysis applies.

One last thing to consider:  If she digs baseball then you have someone special.  This means she has a good sense of history, slightly turned on by you when you score a game, has a crush on Jacoby Ellsbury, can watch The Natural on a Sunday afternoon, enjoys good music, stays engaged without needing an arsenal of action every two seconds, well read, and has a slightly higher IQ than you.  Date night consists of dinner and a ballgame…or dinner at the ballgame.

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1 Comment

  1. Cabell

    We all know what category Maile falls into. GREAT STUFF!!!

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