The 10th Commish

Oct 10, 2012 by



Let’s get right to it.  If I were to replace Bud Selig for a day, here is what that day would entail.

(Kick Bud out from his Commissioner office and have a seat behind his desk)

8:00 AM:  Sit down and pour a cup of coffee.

8:02 AM: Replace framed Selig family pictures and replace with my very own family pictures.

8:05 AM:  Reinstate Pete Rose

8:06 AM:  Reinstate Shoeless Joe Jackson

8:07 AM:  Withdraw all MLB teams that reside in Florida and relocate them to the following:

  • The Florida Marlins will relocate to Montreal and be called the Expos.  They are required to wear the exact same 1984 Expos uniforms displayed below by Gary Carter.


  • The Tampa Bay Rays will relocate to Nashville, Tennessee.  The organization will be renamed the Nashville Outlaws.  The Outlaws are required to wear black as their primary color for both home and away uniforms in honor of the man in black himself, Johnny Cash.   Their emblem – an acoustic guitar.

8:10 AM:   The Milwaukee Brewers will be added back to the American League beginning with the 2013 season.

8:15 AM:   Formally announce that beginning with the 2013 season, instant replay may be used for any calls outside of ball and strikes.  Also, announce that umpires may use instant replay to review any on field call, as they deem necessary.  Managers may challenge one call per game.  Managers will throw a bag of sunflower seeds out on the field to signify a challenge.

8:20 AM:  Realign divisions in both the AL and NL, release statement to the owners notifying them of the change beginning in 2013.

AL East:                                        AL West:

Boston                                             Kansas City

New York                                        Milwaukee

Toronto                                           Minnesota

Baltimore                                        Texas

Cleveland                                        Oakland

Detroit                                             Los Angeles

Chicago                                            Seattle


NL East:                                       NL West:

Nashville                                          Los Angeles

Atlanta                                              San Francisco

New York                                         San Diego

Washington                                     Colorado

Pittsburgh                                        Arizona

Montreal                                          Houston

Cincinnati                                        Chicago

Philadelphia                                    St. Louis


8:30 – 9:00 AM:   Change the current playoff format to this:

  • Home field advantage will be determined by teams with the best regular season win/loss record.
  • World Series home team alternates year after year.  If the American League ditches the DH or the NL adopts the DH then home team for the World Series is determined by best record.
  •  If the two teams representing the AL and NL in the World Series are tied in wins for the regular season then home team is determined by coin flip.  (Best of 7 coin flip – this will be televised on MLB Network.  Pedro Martinez will flip the coin.)

Divisional Round:

  • AL East Winner vs. AL East Wild Card (Best of 5 in 2-2-1 format)
  • AL West Winner vs. AL West Wild Card (Best of 5 in 2-2-1 format)
  • NL East Winner vs. NL East Wild Card (Best of 5 in 2-2-1- format)
  • NL West Winner vs. NL West Wild Card (Best of 5 in 2-2-1-format)

League Championship Series:

  • AL East Divisional Round Winner VS AL West Divisional Round Winner (Best of 7 2-3-2 format)
  • NL East Divisional Round Winner VS NL West Divisional Round Winner (Best of 7 2-3-2 format)

World Series:

AL League Winner vs. NL League Winner (Best of 7 2-2-1-1-1 format)

9:00 AM:   Call a press conference

9:10 – 9:20 AM:   Announce at the press conference the following 2012 Award winners:

  • AL Rookie of the year
  • NL Rookie of the year
  • AL Manager of the year
  • NL Manager of the year
  • AL Cy Young Award winner
  • NL CY Young Award winner
  • AL MVP
  • NL MVP

No more waiting till sometime in November when clearly no one cares about Baseball until next spring.

9:20 – 9:30 AM:  Using Bud’s twitter account Tweet the following information:

All other 2012 award winners – such as the silver bat thing, comeback player of the year, and executive of the year.  Conclude the tweets with the AL and NL Gold Glove winners from each position.  By the way, Gold Glove winners will be decided by the guys over at Baseball Prospective.  My apologies to Derek Jeter…but the award will now be based on fielding the position.

9:30 -10:00 AM: Meeting with AL and NL league presidents and inform them that beginning in 2013, no interleague games will be played.   Listen to their criticisms regarding the change and then do nothing about it.

10:01 AM:   Order the destruction of that thing they call a baseball stadium in Tampa.

10:15 AM:  Make available on YouTube every Earl Weaver argument with an umpire.  Then release all MLB game footage currently owned and held captive by Major League Baseball for people to view on YouTube.

10: 30 AM:  Hire Seth Godin as MLB Special Marketing Consultant.  His role will be to build a marketing team for MLB that will actually perform marketing duties.

10:35 – 11:50 AM:   Play the original RBI Baseball video gameCall my friend Nate to play with me.  Our last RBI Baseball match up was held sometime in 1992.  He will be the ’86 Mets and I will be the ’86 Red Sox.  I will actually start Bruce Hurst as he will naturally go with Dwight Gooden; however, I am sure I will see Jessie Orosco at some time during our match up.


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          12:00 – 1:00 PM:  A quick lunch and few rounds of beer with Jerry Remy.

1:05 PM:  Make a few call outs to see if there are any managerial openings in Japan for Bobby Valentine.

1:15 – 1:45 PM:  Conference call with the producers at the MLB Network and make the following changes in programming:

  • Televise one MLB game a night.
  • Create MLB on Demand Channel  – All games can be purchased for $.99 – You may elect the home game feed or away game feed.  Eliminate the MLB Extra Innings bullshit forever.
  • Subscribers to Netflix for $2.00 extra each month on their monthly subscription will be able to stream any MLB regular season game of their choice.

1:45 – 2:00 PM:  Make the following changes to the All Star game and festivities

  • The All-star game will now and forever be held on July 4th.
  • All Star Game locations: 2013 – 2018:
  • 2013: Nationals Park -Washington DC
  • 2014: Camden Yards – Baltimore, MD
  • 2015: Outlaw Stadium – Nashville, TN
  • 2016: Safeco Field -Seattle, WA
  • 2017: Dodger Stadium –Los Angeles, CA
  • 2018: Fenway Park – Boston, MA

Voting for All-star game starters:

  • Fans vote: 60%
  • Managers Vote: 20%
  • Players Vote: 15%
  • Bill Murray Vote: 5%

All-star reserves will be chosen by the prior year’s AL and NL manager of the year.

All-star game managers will be retired managers who have won at least one World Series title.  Mangers will be chosen by the Commissioner.

  • 2013:  AL All-Star Manager: Lou Piniella
  • 2013: NL All-Star Manager:  Bobby Cox

The Home Run derby:

  • 8 players 4 from each league – Voted on by the fans
  • Top 3 advance to final round.
  • Players may use aluminum bats or be injected with steroids two days prior to contest.

2:00 – 2:05 PM:   Make a call to Harry and Bob Weinstein at Miramax to begin production on the following baseball films:

  • Extra Innings: MLB Baseball 1994 – 2012 to be directed Ken Burns
  • A film adaptation of the novel The Art of Fielding
  • A documentary about the history of drugs in baseball
  • A biopic on Hank Aaron

2:10 – 2:30 PM:   Revamp the MLB calendar.

  • Spring Training: Pitchers and catchers may report to camp on February 15th
  • Spring Training: Games begin play on March 1st
  • Spring Training officially wraps up on the last Friday in March
  • Season: The first pitch of the regular season will throw at 1:05 PM on the first Monday in April by the starting pitcher of the Cincinnati Reds.  All teams will play that day beginning after the Reds game.  Schools will be closed throughout the United States
  • The All Star game will be held each on July 4th.
  • The Season concludes on September 29th
  • Playoffs begin October 1st

2:35 PM:   WebEx with President Obama.  Work with him on the mechanics of throwing a baseball.

3:00-3:15 PM:   Power Nap

3:16 PM:   Order afternoon coffee

3:17 – 3:30 PM:   Phone call to US Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan.  Topic of conversation – to suggest the following titles required reading for all High School students:

  • The Science of Hitting by Ted Williams and John Underwood
  • Eight Men Out by Eliot Asinof
  • The Boys of Summer by Roger Kahn
  • Ball Four by Jim Bouton
  • The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach
  • Bang the Drum Slowly by Mark Harris

3:35 PM:   Create a special commissioner uniform clause stating that the Houston Astros must wear their 18 shades of orange striped uniforms from the 80’s for all home games throughout the 2013 regular season.  Inform Astros owner Jim Crane of this.

3:45 -4:19 PM:  Watch the 8th and 9th innings of game 7 of the 2004 AL Championship Series between The Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees.

4:20 PM:  Smoke with Bill Lee.

4:25 PM:  Have Bud’s administrative assistant toss Bill Lee and me some BP in the office, using wiffle balls of course.

4:30 PM:   Release to the press and MLB owners the following list:

Banned Substance List:  Most performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs), especially those with numbers listed in the name, such as:

  • 13a-ethyl-17a-hydroxygon-4-en-3-one
  • 17a-methyl-1-dihydrotestosterone
  • 1-dihydrotestosterone
  • 4-dihydrotestosterone
  • 4-hydroxytestosterone
  • 4-hydroxy-19-nortestosterone
  • IGF-1

Approved List:   All stimulants including amphetamines of any kind….

Jose Conseco and his twin brother, Ozzie, will be in charge of all random drug testing of players.  If they decide to test you, then you know you’re fucked.

4:31 PM:  Announce that the current members of the BBWAA will no longer participate in voting for induction to Hall of Fame, as well as removal of the Veteran’s Committee from having any say for who gets elected to the Hall. Name the following people who will now do all the voting for the Hall of Fame, 80% of the vote is required for nomination.

  • Peter Gammons
  • Greg Maddux
  • Bill James
  • David Smith
  • Tim Kurkjian
  • Charlie Sheen
  • Bob Ueker
  • Jerry Sienfeld
  • Malcom Gladwell
  • Alyssa Milano

4:32 PM:   Officially make December 23rd Roberto Clemente Day in the United States.

4:35 PM:  Listen to Lou Gehrig’s “Luckiest Man” speech.

4:45 PM:  Announce that MLB will now officially recognize game 6 of the 1975 World Series as the greatest baseball game ever played.

4:55 PM:   Call final press conference to announce that no changes will be made to the game itself.  Also announce no alterations to increase the pace of the game or duration of time.  Field no questions.

5:00 – 6:30 PM:  After work beers and shots with the members of the 1982 Milwaukee Brewers.

7:05 PM:   Head home and watch the playoffs.


Note: Blocks of time not specified in the above timeline will be spent screwing around on the internet looking through baseball sites and other sites unrelated to baseball.





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