Super Bowl XLVI: Everything you need to know about the big game in less than 1000 words.

Feb 5, 2012 by


Media coverage during the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl is nauseating.  I have purposely kept my distance this year.  I’m sure it has more to do with anxiety, but it’s too much pointless crap stated over and over for me to handle.   The over analysis of trivial stuff, the monotony of Tuesday’s media day, expert predictions, wagering the over/under on the length of the national anthem, why Ochocinco doesn’t understand the playbook, Gronks angle, which Manning is better, why the Giants defensive lineman will crush Brady’s head into the Indy turf, and on and on and on…..I just can’t watch or even listen to this shit.

If you live under a rock and weren’t aware, my beloved Patriots are in the Super Bowl.  I will bottle up my feelings and spare you the thoughts fluttering around my head.  Let’s just say, I am nervous, anxious, and plan to begin drinking early Saturday morning in preparation for Sunday’s game. 

If you are like me and tuned out for much of the media coverage during the prior two weeks, I have written below all you need to know about our nation’s big game.  Go Pats!

  1. Tight End Rob Gronkowski severely injured his ankle making a reception in the AFC Championship game.  His ankle hurts.  He practiced this week.  He’s tough.  He will play.
  2. Eli Manning is not superior to his brother Peyton.  However, Eli could have two Super Bowl wins to his credit by the end of Sunday night, which would be one more than the elder Manning. Whatever the outcome on Sunday, please add logic to your argument when discussing whose best between the Manning brothers.  One key player (Peyton Manning) for the Indianapolis Colts did not play a down in the 2011 season.  The Indianapolis Colts were a playoff team in 2010 and now have the number one pick in the draft due to an abysmal two win season.  Please pull out this bit of information for your Peyton is the better brother argument.  Plus he’s way funnier than younger brother, the super serious and dull Eli.  
  3. The majority of NFL experts have chosen the Giants over the Pats. 
  4. The offensive line for the Patriots, unlike the 2008 Super Bowl, has to show up.  If blocking is absent from the extraordinary fat athletes that make up the offensive line, the Giants will win rather easily.
  5. Tom Coughlin is not your typical New York coach.  Unlike the shithead coach he shares a home field with in New Jersey; Coughlin quietly goes about his business and never gives the NYC media a sound bite.  Coughlin has never been concerned about image or trying to drum up a personality that is unnatural or dishonest.  Maybe in New York you don’t have to be a loudmouth or a dickhead after all, maybe success should be judged on wins and losses…..Thoughts on that statement, Coach Ryan?
  6. No way is Gisele Bundchen1 headed to Indianapolis.  Supermodels do not travel to the heartland.  This is better for Brady.   There will be no distractions from Gisele and her annoying entourage of supermodel friends and narcissistic fashion designers polluting Indy’s restaurants and bars with their salad eating ways and dense conversations.
    • On a side note, the Super Bowl being held in Indy will not be absent of pretty girls, with or without Gisele’s presence.  The Midwest, per capita, boasts the most attractive females in the country.   This is true, look around next time you visit a Midwestern City or small town.
  7. Your NFL team does not need a marquee running back to reach the playoffs.  Perform a quick check on all the 2012 playoff teams and see how many names of running backs you recognize.  If you did recognize the name, did you ever consider the particular running back among elite?  The NFL is trending much like MLB a few years back when “closer by committee” was the thing to do.  What is interesting about the two trends in both leagues is that closers and running backs on average have similar years of high productivity and longevity.  Which of course is not a lot compared to the other positions in their respective sports.  Both closers and running backs are often overpaid as well. 
  8. Win or lose on Sunday, Belichick’s coaching tenure in New England has been nothing short of amazing.  In the parity driven NFL, the consistency of successful winning season for over a decade is so rare.  Love him or hate him, the guy knows what the hell he’s doing.
  9. I despise every New York professional sports franchise.  It’s easier to take a hard loss to any other team because their fan base is less obnoxious.  New York fans are riddled with a sense of arrogance, due to some strange big city low self-esteem issues.  We all know a New York sports fan and no one wants them to experience any joy…..I know I don’t want that……ever.
  10. Madonna2 is your halftime entertainment.  Expect the following:
    • 40 or so costume changes from the material girl
    • 100 gay male backup dancers doused in glitter on the stage.
    • People at home grossed out by Madonna’s veins popping out of her arms in HD.
    • Lip synching
    • Indy crowd wondering why John Cougar Mellencamp was not chosen to perform.
    • The NBC cameras spotting a glum John Cougar Mellencamp seated in the stands with girlfriend The Joker Meg Ryan, pondering why he’s not out on the 50 yard line belting out Jack and Diane right now.
    • Me throwing up in the bathroom at halftime because one or both of the following occurred:
      • I am drunk.
      • The Pats are down a touchdown3 at the half.

 

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  1. Quick stats: Tom Brady’s record in Super Bowls 3-1
    • While dating Bridget Moynahan, 3-0.
    • While either dating or married to Gisele, 0-1.
  1. The Super Bowl halftime show is the best way to listen to hits from the 80’s.
  2. Fuck…..
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1 Comment

  1. BillyL

    news alert: JCM does not CARE he was not choosen for the SB.
    fact: Madonna resembles the joker far more than meg does, un huh

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