It’s Time

Sep 23, 2011 by

It’s time… 

to finally end the debate and institute a playoff system in college football.  I struggle comprehending the mass appeal of the only sport in the world that crowns a champion based on a computer program.  End the wasted efforts, and dollars spent, by the NCAA to instill integrity into Division I football and basketball programs.   That battle is about as effective as America’s war on drugs.  College revenue driving sports will never be squeaky clean, it’s sad but true, men and greed have a tight bond.  So instead use those efforts to eliminate all the bowls and incorporate a playoff system to determine a champion by results of play on the field.  I know this concept sounds crazy, but I‘ve seen it actually work quite well I must say.  Please overcome the obstacle of the worst phrase ever mentioned, “keeping tradition”, it’s laughable.  Oh, I know the Thursday afternoon mid-December “Who gives a shit bowl”, played between two mid-majors with a 6-6 record will be sad to let go, but America is too great a place to let this mess continue.  Imagine watching a horse race where the gates only open for the two favorites, this is the same scenario determining the NCAA champion.  Sports are supposedly objective, except in this case.  So before you plop on the couch to watch a regular season game where the outcome is meaningless, turn the station instead.

It’s time…

for Marc Ford, former lead guitarists for the Black Crowes, to embrace his talent and stop fucking around in obscurity with bar bands.  How can one of the most talented guitarists on the planet not have a gig with a legitimate band?  Sure, I would love for him to be back in the only band he was put on this earth for, but artists, especially musicians, do incomprehensible things.  I feel for his manager, I hope he has other clients.  For now, throw on The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion to understand Ford’s past greatness…I long wish for that sweet tone to once again enter my ears canals.

It’s time…

to stop falsely marketing Notre Dame football as a potential national contender each year.  We are closing in on twenty years since Notre Dame had the talent to compete with college football’s elite.  Catholic Priests are beginning to even question their faith….

It’s time…

for MLB to end interleague play.  It was a cute gimmick and the intention seemed  nice.  Interleague play negatively impacts teams making a playoff push.  The American League and National League play an altogether different game, due to the designated hitter rule.   The advantages of a home team hosting an interleague matchup are monumental.  The visiting team must adhere to a different set of rules, thus dramatically changing the team dynamics.  Remember, Pirate fans are not coming out in large masses because the Royals are in town.  Remove it forever, Bud!

It’s time…

that football fans everywhere accept Tom Brady for who he is, the best player in the NFL, who just happens to be prettier than your girlfriend, all the while sporting Farrah Fawcett locks and doing ad campaigns for Uggs.  NFL Fans cannot grasp why Brady isn’t more like Michael Vick or some fat lineman with a tattoo sleeve, rather than the NFL’s version of tennis’ Roger Federer or Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo.   He makes fans with the highest level of testoserone question their sexuality.  NFL Fans have no choice but to hate this guy.  Remember though, he will one day run this country, by winning 100% of the female vote.  Accept this.

It’s time…

for the ATP and WTA to set a tennis season with ample time off.  Here are my suggestions:

  • 9 Month Season:  February through October.
  • Grand Slam Schedule: The current schedules for Wimbledon, the French Open, and US Open will remain the same, with the Australian Open moving to mid-February.
  • Non Grand Slam Tournaments:  There will 9 elite tournaments held throughout the year.  These tournaments will be played in the weeks leading up to a major. Rankings will be weighed heavily on player results of these tournaments.  All other tournaments around the globe may schedule in weeks as they see fit.
  • Davis Cup: Play it every four years and over a course of one month, with a different country hosting each time, think soccer’s World Cup.  Fans might begin to care again.
  • End of season championships with a twist:  This will be held every October with the number one ranked player selecting the surface.

Wow… that took all of 2 minutes to solve.

It’s time…

for all North Carolina drivers to add to their repertoire of driving skills the ability to use a turn signal and the highly complicated, but ever so appreciated, skill of merging.  I turn to you, North Carolina driving instructors; you can instill something so valuable in a high school student that they can apply each day.  I will shed a tear of joy, when I look out and see an exit ramp full of cars gracefully merging, no one at a standstill…..That is the world I want for everyone.

It’s time…

to permanently remove from radio station playlists the worst song ever recorded, Shine by Collective Soul.  Upon hearing the first few chords I feel my soul being ripped away from my body and placed in the women’s shoe section of an overcrowded mall department store during the Christmas rush with the heat cranked well above 100 degrees for hours with no way out.  I am confused why this was a hit in the first placed and even more perplexed by its sustainability as a modern rock classic.

It’s time…

to recognize where the top marketing professionals in America are bred.  It never dawned on me that college coaches throughout the country are so highly skilled in marketing, who knew?

About a month after receiving a three-year, show-cause penalty from the NCAA’s committee on infractions, former University of Tennessee men’s basketball coach Bruce Pearl has decided to put coaching behind him and follow his true calling….marketing?

Pearl was recently given the opportunity to coach the Texas Legends, the Dallas Mavericks’ D-League franchise.  He turned down that coaching venture to instead join H.T. Hackney Co. in Knoxville, Tenn., as vice president of marketing.

CEO Bill Sansom, a former University of Tennessee trustee, thought that the best candidate to lead future marketing campaigns is an exiled college basketball coach.  He recently stated, “I’ve known Bruce Pearl for years — his leadership, competitiveness and understanding of marketing is a great fit for our organization,”  I think a particular CEO at H.T. Hackney Co. deserves a raise!

I can only imagine the dialogue around the offices of H.T. Hackney Co., “Hey Bruce how are you coming with those marketing reports?”  “Orange blazer again, Bruce?” or “Hey Bruce, thanks for the scouting report on LSU’s point guard in yesterday’s meeting, but how does that relate to our market once again?…Oh, never mind, glad you are here, go Vols!”  How this country can be in any economic turmoil is beyond me….

And finally it’s time…

for me to come to grips with the fact that my brother has accepted a sales position with a company that employs Russell Earl “Bucky” Dent.

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1 Comment

  1. bob norton

    Another good one. Every item, i can relate to, especially ND football and merging traffic!
    I would add “It’s time——To add more restrooms for women at sporting events. Poor things stand in long lines and miss a lot of the action.

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