Help Wanted: Inquire Within

Aug 23, 2011 by

Job Post

Chad OchoCinco told the press that he wants to live with a Patriots fan for next couple of weeks until he lands a home in the Boston area.  LeBron James creates a one hour special to announce that he is leaving Cleveland for Miami.  Shawn Kemp fathered 16 kids.  Tiger Woods had affairs with hundreds of very unattractive women.  OJ Simpson thought it was perfectly acceptable to murder his ex-wife.   Lance Armstrong continues to deny any doping accusations.  Antoine Walker blew his life savings supporting an enormous entourage and amassing large gambling debts and now attempts an NBA comeback playing in some two-bit league in Puerto Rico.  Plaxico Burress shot himself at a New York night club.  Brett Favre believed the best way to garner a women’s attention was to text a picture of his junk.  Pac Man Jones becomes mentally handicapped when entering a strip club.  Tired of seeing your favorite professional athlete continue embarrassing themselves by making bonehead decisions on a daily basis?  If there is room in this world for agents, managers, hanger-on’s, handlers, personal assistants, and entourage members, now make room for the latest position to add to the payroll of a star athlete:  the Common Sense Specialist.  I have outlined below a job description and requirements for the position.  Please contact the staff at Old67 to apply now!

Job Title: Common Sense Specialist

Position Summary:

The Common Sense Specialist (CSS) will provide guidance to an athlete’s off field endeavors. The position will be accountable for applying logic and sensibility to decision-making.  This often underused approach is foreign to many professional athletes and will be the core competency of the CSS.  The Common Sense Specialist will be active in assisting with the following areas of an athlete’s life; PR and media relations, philanthropy, purchases, investments, social media etiquette, deciding girlfriends and spouses, approving members of their entourage, and arranging transportation for arriving and leaving any nightclub or tavern.

 Duties:

  • Managing cab and transportation services throughout all cities in the U.S.
  • Cock blocking groupies.
  • Conduct training on what to say and not to say to the media
  • Represent athlete on all social media outlets
    • Responsible for writing all content.
  • Accompany athlete’s girlfriend to all OBGYN appointments ensuring they’re current with birth control.
  • Assist in landing jobs not associated with athlete for all of their high school friends.
  • Create approval process and monitor all texts and pictures sent through athletes’ mobile device.
  • Deny or approve all of the following purchases considered by athlete: vehicles, jewelry, homes, video game consoles, pets, drugs, and weapons.
  • Manage all strip club involvement, including: venue, selection of girls, amount of money to be spent, types of services allowed, as well as any after venue involvement.
    • This includes any “strippers” hired to perform at private locations.
  • Deny all involvement of athlete in the following ventures: creating a clothing line, recording an album, hopping onto motorcycles, vacationing near bodies of water, attempting another professional sport in the off-season, changing one’s name, and jetting off to China to be dunked on by a high school kid.

Requirements:

  • Bachelor’s degree preferred.
  • 3-5 years experience babysitting or currently raising a toddler of your own
  • Hung with idiotic athletes either in high school or college.
  • Willing to travel at least 75% of the time.
  • Ability, and willingness, to say “no” a lot.
  • Strong decision making skills and ability to communicate mid to high level concepts using the vocabulary of an eight year old.
  • Posses no sense of humor.
  • Cannot be influenced by athlete’s charm or, if applicable, wit.

Compensation:

Annual Base Salary: $100,000
Annual Performance Bonus of $1,000,000.00 awarded if the following occurs:

  • No DUI’s or arrests of any kind.
  • No involvement with homicides.
  • Athlete opened a savings account.
  • Athlete did not impregnate anyone out of wedlock, or if married, athlete stays within a two child maximum.
  • They did not star in a reality show (or any TV appearances outside of the game telecast or highlights on ESPN.).
  • No social media gaffs.
  • All interviews with media were considered “boring.”

George Clooney’s wildly successful run

George Clooney continues a hugely successful run of dating women that mortal men can only masturbate to.  He seamlessly goes from an Italian bombshell to a beautiful long-legged model and former WWE vixen, leaving geeky wrestling fans with permanent erections.  On behalf of men everywhere, we tip our caps to you Mr. Clooney, well played indeed…..

 

 

Noel Gallagher can’t ever keep quiet and I hope he never does

I read an interview with Noel Gallagher of Oasis, and no one rock star on the planet gives an interview quite like the guitarist of Oasis.  In the recent Rolling Stone interview Noel discusses a wide-range of topics; from his thoughts on drugs, Radiohead, and whether he thinks Oasis will ever reform.  His overinflated ego and no filter conversations make for an entertaining interview.  Noel and his brother Liam, have to be a rock journalist’s wet dream based on their outrageous quotes throughout the years.  Here are few highlights from the recent Rolling Stone interview as well as a sampling of truly hysterical quotes from the past.  Enjoy!

Thoughts on Radiohead

They’re an odd bunch, aren’t they? They’ve been making the same record since Kid A. But this needs to be said. I don’t own any of their records, but every time I’ve seen them live, they’ve fucking blown me away. It was like, “Wow, fucking listen to that! How do you fucking make that shit come out of those speakers?” It’s fucking amazing. But have I ever had a moment where I fucking sat down and thought, “Do you know what this calls for? This calls for ‘Paranoid Android!’ Get it on!” No. I’ve never had that moment.

On Drugs

I’d literally done all the drugs that I’d had. There was none left in London. I’d done them all. And I was like, “Right, well, that fucking was interesting.

On the future of Oasis

“I’m saying that the singer [Liam] has said “Never ever.” So we’ll leave it at that.”

Past ramblings from various interviews….

On Liam imitating John Lennon: “He was talking in a Spouse accent for three days. He told me I should refer to him as John and I was like, ‘I just prefer ‘cunt’, man.” (The Guardian, June 2005)

On U2: “Play ‘One’, shut the fuck up about Africa.” (The Daily Telegraph, February 2007)

On drugs: “Didn’t go into rehab like all me mates did – fucking lightweights.” (Q, December 1999)

On Kaiser Chiefs ‘being wankers’: “Well, they are, though. The worst thing about them is that they’re not very good. They play dress-up and sit on top of an apex of meaninglessness. They don’t mean anything to anybody apart from their fucking ugly girlfriends.” (Time Out: Chicago, December 2008)

On drugs: “If there were gold medals for taking drugs for England I would have won a shitload.” (Parkinson, Nov 2006)

On his health: “I’ve got a bit of a headache, a bit of a lump gathering over my eye but if I have another 75 cigarettes and a couple of bottles of gin I’ll be all right. I might go to sleep tonight.”

On the Backstreet Boys: “They should be shot.”

Eli > or = to Tom?

False self confidence is worn well by Eli.  In most circumstances, if you are considered elite amongst your peers and through the eyes of the media, you don’t have to go record to announce it.

Just so gullible Giant fans have a crystal clear picture; I’ve inserted a chart of wasted words and numbers.

                    TD’s    INT    Comp%   QB Rating    Win%    Playoff Wins    SB Wins    Hotter Wife
Brady          261      103      63.6           95.2            77              14                    3                 X
Manning      156      113      58.0           80.2            58               4                     1
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