ESPN Hearts Brady!

Sep 16, 2011 by

Tom Brady and the New England Patriots provided a much needed distraction.  The Red Sox are so close to pissing the season away that I’m expressing the emotions of a pre 2004 Sox fan. Hopelessness, despair, depression, anger, sadness, isolation and insanity are all slowly creeping in my mind.  I would never wish these feelings on anyone except Yankee fans.  Welcome back emotions!  They may lay dormant but are never absent from the DNA of a Red Sox fan.  The Sox have such a depleted pitching staff right now that my head is filled with insane thoughts on the whereabouts of Pedro Martinez.  Could he give the Sox four to five strong innings for a few starts down the stretch?

All those unhealthy feelings were set aside for three hours last Monday night as Tom Brady cut up the Miami Dolphins defense.  Brady’s final numbers were astonishing, 517 yards, 4 TD’s, and QB rating of 121.6.  It was one of those performances, which had you staying up well beyond a reasonable time, just to hear all the analysis and view the highlights of a game you finished watching five minutes ago.

I tuned to SportsCenter immediately following the Pats game.  On location in Miami, Stuart Scott along with former NFL greats Tedy Bruschi and Steve Young opened the show.  I was ready for some in-depth analysis that only a hall of fame quarterback and a former teammate of Brady could provide.  What I witnessed instead were three grown men showering Brady with gleeful hero worship, it felt dirty.   What the hell was I watching?  It eerily mirrored a panel of three12 year old girls expressing their thoughts after attending a Justin Bieber concert.  I felt embarrassed for them.  I understand praising a remarkable performance, but after awhile I wondered if they just wanted to fuck him.  A half hour of Tom Brady verbal dick sucking was all the porn I could endure for one evening.

Still riding the high of Brady’s performance, I woke up feeling good and headed to work.  I skipped over my usual 5 minutes of Howard Stern, and instead tuned to ESPN Radio for the Mike and Mike in the Morning show.  Former NFL player, and Mike and Mike co-host Mike Golic, provided some of the weakest analysis I’ve heard in some time.  Outside of anytime Charles Barkley opens his trap, Golic uttered some of the most obvious and useless information heard from a former professional athlete.  I felt dumber for listening.   After five minutes of Golic’s rambles, I wondered if ESPN even pays a salary to Golic.  My wife, who could give two shits about football, could fill in immediately for Golic and the show would never miss a beat.  In a way only a former football player could, Golic showered the audience with insight of Brady’s performance that would offend the intelligence of a high school dropout.  I am paraphrasing, but this is what I heard, “Brady was confident and all smiles, Miami never got to Brady all night.  This allowed for him to have the time needed to find his receivers.  When defenses apply pressure and knock Brady around he’s always frustrated.”  Let me simplify Golic’s commentary some more.    Brady is good at throwing a football when standing upright.  Brady gets mad when tackled.  He is a happy quarterback when he doesn’t.  Thanks Mike!

Ratings matter, I get it.  Fans love to hear former professional athletes give their take on a game.  Viewers unabashedly feel that former players know all and are instantly validated. The problem with many of these athletes, especially former football players, is how those insights are expressed.  Some do an outstanding job, most however, should really be doing something else.

I cannot begin to explain how jacked I am with anticipation of Shaq making his NBA analyst debut.  Could we be so lucky as to have Brett Favre predict Sunday NFL games?  I would make only one suggestion, its small and will cause minimal uproar; can we remove Charles Barkley from ever commenting on NBA or NCAA basketball ever again?  It would be a start and demonstrate that networks do in fact care about the intelligence of their audience.  There was a reason Washington Post columnist and co-host of PTI, Tony Kornheiser, incorporated a rule banning interviews with pro athletes on his former radio show…

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