Drunk Dialing Fredi Gonzalez

Jul 26, 2011 by

Fredi: Hello?
Alan: Fredi. It’s me, Alan.
Fredi: Who? Alan?
Alan: Yeah, Alan. I gotta ask Fredi, are you doing this on purpose?
Fredi: What time is it? What are you talking about?
Alan: Was it me Fredi? I believed in you. I rooted for you. I thought the Marlins screwed you; I welcomed you back into the fold. Was it something I said, Fredi? Why would you do this to me?
Fredi: I’m sorry; I don’t know what you’re talking about…Who is this again? How did you get my number?
Alan: Schuerholz and I are tight, Fredi. Tell me, are you on drugs? Is it drugs Fredi? No…, what am I saying? It can’t be drugs. I could take a bath in LSD and brush my teeth with heroin, and still I wouldn’t bring Scott Linebrink in to pitch the bottom of the 9th inning in a tie game. Not if I had Craig Kimbrel ready to go.
Fredi: Who is this again?
Alan: Don’t try to avoid the issue here Fredi. I want to know why you’re like a 13 year old boy and a bra, managing your bullpen. You seem confused, flustered, and totally outmatched. You’ve got a great pair of tits with Jonny and Kimbrel, but you’re treating them like a couple of chew toys.
Fredi: Is this Bobby?
Alan: No Fredi, this is Horseshit. We may not have won the game, but we could have at least had another at bat, if you’d brought in Kimbrel; another at bat with the top of our order. Do you know how much whiskey I’ve had to drink tonight, Fredi? Why do you hate my liver?
Fredi: Bobby, I think you should get some sleep; you sound like you’ve been drinking.
Alan: Of course I’ve been drinking, F-Gone! What would you expect me to do? Your plucky little team battled back on an RBI single by Julio Lugo. Julio Lugo!! You brought Jonny Venters in for the 8th inning, arguably your best reliever, yet for the 9th inning of the same tie game, you refuse to bring in your second best? You instead bring in your 5th best reliever? Do I have to remind you that it was the bottom of the 9th against the Reds, a team that can hit home runs? What did you do Fredi? You brought in the guy with a 720 OPS against and 4 home runs instead of the guy with a 491 OPS against and 1 home run. Do I have to remind you what happened? Scott Linebrink threw one pitch, one pitch, and the game was over. Just like that.
Fredi: It was a long night for all of us Bobby.
Alan: Yes it was Fredi, and I’ve been drinking because of you. And because I already smoked up the crack, have to come down somehow, gnome sayin’ Fredi? And quit calling me Bobby, you know goddamn good and well who this is.
Fredi: I’ve gotta get some sleep Bobby; don’t let the bed bugs bite.
Alan: I hope a gerbil on acid gets in your boxers tonight Fredi. I’ll talk to you soon.

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