Drunk Dialing Fredi Gonzalez

Jun 27, 2014 by

I’ve been pretty busy lately with the book release (Which you should buy right now!) as well as reading new authors and working on our next projects.  I still find time to watch baseball, I just don’t have much time to write about it these days.  I still get plenty worked up though.  Most seasons drive me to drink, and this one is no exception.  Below is a transcript of how I chose to spend my night last night after the family went to bed and I got into the whiskey. (Seriously, buy the book, tell your friends, if they’re cheap, tell them to buy the eBook!)


Fredigarbled speech, then Hello?

Alan – You sleeping Fredi?

Fredi – Umm.. uh.. yes, yes, I was…

Alan – I had a good feeling you might be. Know why?

Fredi – Who is this?

Alan – Because it’s 3:30 in the fucking morning Fredi. Most everyone is sleeping at this time of night, so based on past history and evidence, it would make great fucking sense you’d be sleeping.

Fredi – It’s 3:30? What the hell am I doing awake? Who is this?

Alan – You see how I did that? I used evidence and historical data to inform my “good feeling”. Do you see the point I’m trying to make, Fredi?

Fredi – Is this Roger? You know we have a game today Roger, why are you keeping me up?

Alan – Don’t worry about Roger, he’s next on my list. The point I’m trying to make is putting BJ Upton in the leadoff spot because you have a “good feeling” is stupid. And that’s not my feeling, it’s a rational assessment of the situation. Why can’t you do the same thing? Why go with your feelings when there is a preponderance of evidence to the contrary? I’m shitfaced, yet I’m still rational. If I can do it in this state, certainly you can do it sober. Or is that the real issue, you’re drunk on the job? I’d almost respect you more if that were the case. Sadly, I don’t think it is…

Fredi – I’m kind of hungry.

Alan – Oh Fredi. You make me so sad and mad at the same time, I don’t know whether to cry or punch you in the nose. Look, you and I know lineup construction isn’t as big of a deal as so many people think it is, but at the same time, making knee jerk decisions just to change them a week later doesn’t help anyone out. You stuck with Jason Heyward in the leadoff spot most of the year, after a miserable April, he started rewarding you with excellent play over the last two months. He had a 373 oBP in May and has a 363 OBP in June. So what do you do? You drop him to 5th and put the rookie in at the top spot.

Fredi – That Rookie was hitting over 400! We need runs. Wait, what am I doing, who is this?

Alan – Who is this Fredi? Who is this? This is a fifth of Old Grandad about to rain justice on top of your scaly head. This is the Tomahawk of PCP, ready to chop your poor decisions and display their guts for the world to see!

Fredi – PCP? Roger, you know I don’t condone drugs. Baseball is a family game. Think about the kids, man…

Alan – The kids? The Kids, is that what you say Fredi? The kids are exactly who I have in mind. My 11 year old thinks your lineup is stupid. How’s that for the kids. You’re alienating the very ones you’re trying to protect. He’d rather play video games than watch your stupid lineup. Do you understand me Fredi?

Fredi – Are they baseball video games?

Alan – Don’t try to change the subject Fredi. That 400 hitting rookie you are so proud of is, in fact, fantastic. You guys should have brought LaStella up a helluva lot sooner and rid yourselves of Dan “The Staypuff Marshmallow Man” Uggla a long time ago. But as much as I like him, Tommy is still a rookie with only a few games under his belt. We all knew he wasn’t going to continue to hit 400. Why give him the pressure of leading off? He has great bat control, puts the ball in play and takes pitches. If you wanted to move him up, you should have put him in at number two with Jason leading off. Drop BJ to 8th. With Jason and Tommy leading off, you have two on base guys ahead of Freeman, the good Upton and Gattis. That might actually lead to some runs. Add in Johnson and Simmons – who aren’t going to wow anyone but at least Johnson is managing to hit 280 and Simmons has the occasional pop – we’ve got about the best lineup we can put together with what we have.

Fredi – You know Roger, I don’t have to put up with this, you focus on the pitchers, i’ll worry about the res-

Alan – I’m not fucking Roger!  I am your conscience and I’m fucking pissed!  BJ Upton’s ability to get on base has almost never been how he brings value to a team.  He had two decent years of OBP, seven years ago!  He’s fast and he has some pop, but his OBP has been 330 or higher only once since 2008.  For the last two and half years he has been below 300.  He has no business leading off, ever.

Fredi – Look Roger, it’s late, all of your numbers and facts confuse me. I’ve got a lot going on. If I’m going to make the right decisions today, I need to rest my gut. It does my best thinking!

Alan – Fredi. I don’t know whether to kick you in your guts or pet you on the head like a developmentally delayed schnauzer.

Fredi – I like schnauzers. So cute. I’m going to bed now Roger, good night lil’ buddy.

Alan – I’m glad you like Schnauzers Fredi, because that rustlin’ under the sheets you’re feeling right now isn’t Mrs. Gonzales, it’s a meth’d up Schnauzer with a grudge and he’s after your balls Fredi. Sleep well!

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