Diary of a Dildo Salesman

Mar 1, 2016 by

Editor’s note: Please welcome Robert Allen, local purveyor of sex toys, who was kind enough to write up his experience at the Adult Webcam Awards and Conference in Las Vegas.  Enjoy!

1/18 11:00 pm
Packing my bag for the trip. Suit – Check. Five pairs of underwear – Check. Pocket pussies, dildos and butt plugs – Check. I call my Mom. I’m nervous; I’ve never been on a business trip before.

1/19 3:30 pm
En route to Las Vegas via RDU. I can’t believe it. The online sex toy retailer, Oh Joy Toys, that I started in September is going to the Adult Webcam Awards and Conference.

1/20 12:02 am
The plane touches down in Vegas. My business partner and I grab our bags, check into the MGM Grand and hit the craps tables. Can’t get too cray, we have to be up at 6:30 to head to the conference to set up our booth.

2:00 am
We’re up about $1,000.

7:30 am
40 person line to get breakfast at the MGM, we just head to the conference. Surely there’s food, or at least coffee there?

8:00 am
There’s no coffee here. Or Wifi (there actually was, but its $75) Get it together Vegas. Get it together. Time so set up. We’re slingin’ dildos today.

10:00 am
Conference kicks off, there is an underwhelming amount of attractive webcam models here. There is, however, possibly the sweetest Canuck of a Tranny I’ve ever encountered, and another lovely Canadian webcam couple. Canadians apparently have very, very weird sex.

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10:22 am
First sale of the day, Master’s Series Thunderstick Wand Massager.

12:00 pm
Some guy, Shanin, comes to our booth. We tell him we offer an incentive program for models; they sell toys for us and we give them money. Shanin tells me that what I really need is a program where the girls get paid for selling toys for me. What are you thick, Shanin? (a little dildo humor. Ha. Thick.)

1:30 pm
Really wishing they sold food here…wait, there’s beer. Beer = Calories + Carbs. Food = Calories + Carbs, thusly Beer = Food.

4:00 pm
I’ve seen way less tits than I imagined. I’ve actually seen zero tits. Come on! What happened to all that “Free the Nipple” crap. Where’s Miley Cyrus at when you need her? Someone show me their tits! Anyone! No, not you Canadian Tranny. OK fine, Fuck it. Whip ‘em out. Yeahhhh, Sweet Tits Bruh.

5:00 pm
Day one of AWA done. Felt kind of like a bust. Surely tomorrow will be better. Back at hotel, eating a $200 meal to celebrate today’s sales (or lack-thereof?)

6:30 pm
Must. Nap. Dragging. Ass. Food Coma. Coming. On. Stro-….zZzzzZzz

10:30 pm
So uh, you wanna Gamble? When in Rome. Oh wait, never mind, it’s called Caesars Palace. Excuse me.

1/21 12:30 am
Now we’re up a total of $2000. My partner just paid someone $25 to seven-out, and the guy does it.

11:00 am
Back at AWA. More girls. More attractive girls. Some look sticky.

11:30 am
One of the girls from the first day is texting me. She says “I have a rental car, and can take you to do anything you want ;)” That’s funny. No one’s ever offered to drive me to a blowjob before.

12:00 pm
“As your attorney, I advise you not to do that Zach.” “Just Kidding, it’s Vegas, what happens in Vegas stays in her Anus,” Um, you read the somewhere right? You didn’t just make that saying up did you?

12:01 pm
I don’t do it. I’m here to make money. Right? Plus I think she smokes meth. Her fake tits scream coke, but her lack of incisors are saying meth.

12:30 pm
There’s four guys across from our booth. They’re in their underwear, no shirts, “fluffing” themselves. They’re live camming from the Award Conference. I look around. Everyone is. Wait. Why are there no people here? We came all this way for 40 models?

1:00 pm
There’s a table of two couples to our 11 o’clock. One of the girls calls my partner over. He looks around to confirm, astounded that this good lookin’ broad wants to talk to him. He goes over. She’s pleasuring herself with the toy she bought from us an hour earlier. 2,000 people are watching her do this via Webcam. She wanted him to see.

1:45 pm
One of the guys just dropped it like it was hot (People still say that, right?) Now the guy next to him is spanking him with a paddle. Hey! We sell paddles. Come buy something! Anything!

2:00 pm
The girl at the booth next to me wants to buy a toy. She has no money (HOW DO YOU COME TO VEGAS WITHOUT MONEY!) She offers to give me the panties shes wearing right now in exchange for the toy. Are the panties made out of $20’s? Oh, OK, No thanks.

2:15 pm
I don’t think we’re going to sell everything we brought with us. I’m gonna dump it. I’m not taking these things back through security.

3:00 pm
Only a few toys left to dump. A reporter from CNBC strolls in, walks up to my booth, asks me a few questions, and before I can finish my answer tells me he’s busy and walks out of the building.

3:15 pm
Where’s the nominee for Best Squirting Orgasm. I want to give her a free toy.

3:45 pm
Time to pack it in. We’re done with the show. I wouldn’t call it a success. It wasn’t a failure. The organizers weren’t able to draw a crowd. We at least broke even on the inventory we brought up with us.

6:45 pm
At a French restaurant. They guy at the table next to us is with a gorgeous girl, easily 35 years younger than him, and he’s not that old. She goes to the bathroom. He starts talking to me about why I’m in Vegas. I tell him. He tells me his wife knows someone who does porn. The girl comes back. The man exclaims “Oh honey, I’m so glad we finally got to meet in real life!” Wonder if his wife knows where he is.

10:00 pm – 2:00 am
At the Craps Table. Up a total of $3000 for the trip

1/22 10:00am
Nothing to do today and its our Last day in Vegas. What to do, what to do, what to do: Gamble.

2:30pm
Went from being up $3k to $300. Our flight isn’t until Midnight. We’re going to the airport now in an attempt to stop the bleeding. My partner and I don’t speak a word for about 4 hours.

3:00pm
My bag is over 50lbs, they wont check it. I have to switch some stuff over to my partners. I’m in the middle of the baggage check-in moving sex toys from my bag to someone else’s in plain view. The people behind me look shocked. But not that shocked.

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7:00pm
Ran into best squirting orgasm in the airport’s smoking section. Sweet girl.

1/23 11:00am
The plane touches down at RDU. Can’t wait to shit in my own toilet and tell the guys at the bar about our trip.

 

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