Dan Uggla is Like a Marshmallow

Aug 2, 2011 by

If someone asks if I want a marshmallow, I say yes!, without even thinking.  If given an opportunity to think about it before eating it, I can come up with all kinds of good reasons:  sweet, puffy, and chewy yet melt in your mouthy, all at once.   But once I get one, I’m not really sure what all the fuss is about.  Yes, it delivered exactly on what it promised; it’s just that in the grand scheme of things, the promise was pretty limited in its offering.

Exit marshmallow, enter Dan Uggla.  I knew I’d get power with a less than average batting average and less than stellar skills around the bag, and I was excited.  I gave a little cheer.  I didn’t think he’d set the world on fire, but I knew he would be a huge upgrade.  And, I kind of like him.  Not irrationally so, he’s got his aforementioned upside like the gooey sweetness of a marshmallow, but there is definitely something a little more than just rational exuberance.

I wasn’t banking on a below .200 average for the first 100 games, yet, I haven’t really been all that surprised, or pissed off, either.  I’ve been assuming he’ll have a .230 year with 30 home runs and an ops hanging around 700 by the time the year is done.  Certainly way below average, and much less than what we are paying for.  However, we played well without him, leading the wildcard, and I assumed his low BABIP would eventually turn around, and he’d start finding some luck, and hits.  I certainly didn’t expect what’s happening now.  It’s like he’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

During his twenty three game hitting streak; he’s hit ten home runs, driven in 20 and has a 352 average.  He’s raised his OPS 34 points to 701.  Whatever he ends up with, we’re going to be happy with his second half production.  When 2012 rolls around, he’ll be comfortable in his new uniform, and will have his usual low to mid 800 OPS range.  We’ll regret his contract at the end, but it is what it is, and I’m really fine with it.

However, speaking of his uniform, the fucking pants have got to go.  Seriously.  We get it, Dan.  You work out.  You’re happy with the way you look, I’m happy for you.  But this is baseball, not 80’s night at the Roxy.  I swear to god, if acid washed was an option, he’d be wearing them.  One day he’s going to slide into second base, and those skin tight pants are gonna rip right off his ass, leaving him in his so tight jersey and jock.  Maybe someone out there wants to see that shit, I don’t.

To sum up – Marshmallows are good, but not as good as you initially think, Uggla is hot right now, but his uniform is too tight.

MMMM, marshmallows, I’ve got to stop writing when I’m stoned.

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