Benefits

Mar 21, 2013 by

 

A few years ago Matt and I worked for the same company and he was in charge of communicating our culture out to the company.  You’d think we would get our own culture, but apparently we didn’t.  Matt was in charge of making sure we did.  To that end, he recruited a few of us to write zany Onion style blog posts about our company culture.  This all sounded like a good idea until after multiple fruitless attempts I realized my sense of humor was apparently not part the culture, as all but one post was deemed unfit for corporate consumption.

Today, Old 67 was followed by Meeting Boy on twitter.  After just a couple of reads, we realized this was some funny shit and we quickly followed back.  Seriously, I don’t like to tell people to leave my writing, but if you work in an office environment you need to go read Meeting Boy RIGHT NOW.  Go, I’ll stay here and wait, I’ve got nothing else to do anyway.

Great stuff huh?  So great it inspired us to release some of those awful posts I wrote back in the early 2000s, when we were young, innocent and didn’t know much.

This first one was inspired by the big push our company was making to educate our employees about their benefits.  We offered a lot of extras we felt employees wanted but didn’t know they had, we also had a really bad spam problem.  I thought it would be funny to write a piece combining the two while not really saying anything at all.  I knew the last line wouldn’t fly, and it was changed to something more palatable when I submitted it, but apparently it was still too over the top for the general populace.  I thought it was great, and it also had the benefit of making fun of me as I was the one in charge of the IT department allowing all that spam to come through.  Regardless, it never saw the light of day…until now.

And before you ask, yes, that was the car I was driving and I did in fact get it from my grandfather.  I miss that car.

Benefits

Company Provides new and improved benefits to co-workers

As I was riding to work in my ’94 Lincoln Continental (That’s right Baby, powder blue and everything, keeping it in the same condition my grandpa had it in when he gave it to me), I started thinking about how great my company is.  I’ve worked lots of places, and left most of them on my own terms, but they have an employee for life right here, and let me tell you why:  benefits.

Look, most places will tell you they have benefits, but it’s mostly lies.  Like I worked at one place with free health insurance and they loved to talk about what a great benefit it was.  Big deal.  I don’t trust doctors anyway, think about it, why is it no matter what you have to go to the doctor for, they make you turn your head and cough?  When I was in school they called that molestation.  So, as you’ve probably figured, I never used that so called “health benefit”.  I worked at another place that gave us free lunch.  Yeah, I like food as much as the next guy, but if I eat your free lunch, then I have to eat it with the people I work with.  If I have to sit across from someone wearing their little paper hat and polyester shirt, it makes me feel like I’m still behind the counter cooking those tasty fries instead of eating them.   So you can probably figure out what I told them to do with THAT benefit.  401K?  Is there a bigger scam out there?  Sure, take money away from me every month so I get less pay for the same amount of work.  Then, when I’m old and wrinkly and don’t even know how to have fun anymore, I can spend it on my dentures.  No thanks.  I’d rather have beer now instead of teeth later.

Here they really know how to kick ass with the benefits.  The cool thing is it’s something new every day.  Like yesterday, I got an email about getting a really cheap Rolex watch.  I used to have a watch, and now I don’t, so this seems like a good opportunity to get another one.  I had the watch because I was always late for stuff and I could tell my boss was starting to get peeved, so I thought I’d get a watch to help me be on time.  Well I was taking care of a little business and found myself late for a meeting, in all the rush to get myself together and to the meeting at least close to on time, I had a minor accident.  Let me tell you, Waterproof up to 50 meters doesn’t include flushing your watch down the toilet, but I digress.  Apparently, according to the email I received, I can get a Replica Rolex for super cheap.  All I have to do is give them my checking account information and they will save me the hassle of mailing in a check or having to deal with a credit card.  To me, that’s a REAL benefit.  You can never be too careful these days with ID Theft and what not, so knowing I can safely give my information over to a reputable firm like this really goes a long way in providing me peace of mind.  I know, I know, you’re thinking “Its just a Replica, dude.  Its not the real thing, what are you so excited about?”  While it may be true that a replica is just an imitation, what’s important is that it LOOKS like the real thing.  And I have been assured it does.

I’m a pretty simple guy, honestly, I’d be pretty stoked about working here just for the Rolex (hey, why not start getting into the mindset of calling it a Rolex.  Replica is really just a technical term as far as I’m concerned), but they doesn’t stop there.  No sir.  The benefits just keep on coming.  Are you familiar with PayPal?  Me neither.  However, apparently I have an account with them, and some dastardly ne’er-do-well has accessed my account and “abused” it.  Mind you, I’m not sure what any of that means, but that’s not the point is it?  The point is my company is looking out for MY well being.  As far as benefits go, that’s priceless.  With just a few clicks of my mouse and some taps on my keyboard, my credit card information has been confirmed and this PayPal account is up and running, safe and protected because of my good friends and their fantastic benefits.

My mother always taught me it was impolite to brag, and because of this, I fully intended to stop right here. But my mom also told me to sing the praises of those who take care of me.  As I sit here, typing away, I’ve just received two more beneficial emails.  According to these I can not only add 2 – 4 inches in girth, but can “perform” for hours on end.  All this without pumps or surgery!  That email was followed up with one from a lovely young lady by the name of Matilda.  Apparently she’s free this weekend.  Looks like Matilda’s a lucky lady and I’m going to need to use another piece of advice my mother gave me, “always wear clean underwear, you never know when you might run into an internet whore”.

This really is a great place to work.

 

 

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1 Comment

  1. Cheap Rolex

    This IS old. We now have a watch that is flushable. Call me: 1-800-BIG-TURD.

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