A-Rod, Kenny Powers, and a Missing Remote

Aug 10, 2011 by

Family Crisis

It’s been two weeks.  I’m stressed and unsure what exactly to do next.  I keep thinking to myself, how could this have happen?  I thought this type of nightmare only happens in a Florida household with Greta Van Susteren dedicating an entire show about it.

I am sure you’ve guessed it, the remote to our family room television can’t be found.  I can’t believe I’m going to have to pony up for another remote.  To make matters worse; I must make the dreadful call to Time Warner Cable.

My three-year-old daughter hid the family room television remote with a high level of success.  My wife and I are demoralized.   How could this happen, you ask?  I am not entirely sure but I do know that my daughter hides toys, and household objects, around our home like a dog buries bones in the backyard.  When asked where she hid the meaningful object, she just giggles and follows me while I aimlessly meander around the house searching under furniture and through cabinets.  I have bargained, bribed, and even held a dimly lit light over her head during intense questioning, all to no avail.  Call it laziness, which would be a fair assessment from anyone peering in at the situation.  However, see how long your frustration doesn’t get the best of you when manually pressing the channel up button on the cable box from channel 44 (Nick Jr.) to 1500 (ESPN). 1 Let’s just say, that throughout the weekend, the channel never surpassed channel 44.  Therefore, due to this unfortunate circumstance, I must shamefully admit that the blog will be absent of analysis regarding the Red Sox/Yankees intense series over the weekend.  I know the outcomes and peeked in for a few innings. 2 However, if you have a burning desire to know anything about the new Dora movie or how Diego saved whatever goddamn animal from a pending crisis, feel free to contact me.

When a PGA caddie becomes newsworthy

On the bag for Adam Scott’s victory this week at the Bridgestone, Steve Williams chalked up his 145th victory as a professional caddie.  Williams, formerly Tiger Woods caddie, said after the win with Scott, “It’s been the most fun thing.”  “It’s the greatest week of my life caddying, and I sincerely mean that.”  My initial thought reading his quote, what a thoughtful way to say fuck you to Tiger.  Then I realized that Williams might be speaking honestly about his week.  Ponder this; don’t you think it would be more enjoyable to hang around an Australian than a robot for an entire week?  Then I wondered why a caddie is being interviewed in the first place…

The new face in advertising

My favorite fictional baseball player, Kenny Powers, is the face for the K-Swiss Tubes advertising campaign.  Though I have never purchased a pair of K-Swiss sneakers, or even had a remote inkling of the demographics that K-Swiss caters to, I still can’t wait for the next ad to air. Does anyone else see this as a potential cultural shift in advertising?  Even if the K-Swiss stock isn’t climbing due to the mullet-sporting lunatic, I still believe other companies will begin to redirect their marketing strategy sessions.  Athletic apparel companies, especially those pushing overpriced sneakers to dim-witted Michael Jordan fanatics, have always sought out squeaky-clean imaged athletes to be the face of their product.  I actually find it fitting that the potential new era in product marketing by a professional athlete could portray an honesty never quite witnessed.  The “me first” professional sports star of today has their poster child in Powers; now let the advertising floodgates open.  If the K-Swiss model catches on, you will hear asshole athletes such as Lance Armstrong 3 utter the words, “Fuck it, yes, I shot myself up with HGH, now buy my FatHead wall graphic for your 12 year-old kids bedroom wall!.”  That’s the advertising world I want to live in, shouldn’t all companies look to K-Swiss for inspiration?

News of the annoying

Real Madrid signed a 7 year old.  Besides listening to Halle Berry’s 2001 Oscar acceptance speech, 4 there is nothing on earth more annoying than a child prodigy.  I assume clubs conduct some sort of due diligence, but if I were a GM for one of these organizations and a team scout came in with a report on a 7 year old, he would be looking for new work shortly thereafter.  Now that a 7 year old has been graced with earning potential, the sky is the limit for disaster.  Chances must be high on this kid knocking up his high school girlfriend, developing a drug habit, or his loser parents draining the funds from his bank account.  Do these clubs even weigh the risk, or know about the outcomes of every child actor in Hollywood?  I am sure this 7 year old will grow into a well adjusted and humbled adult.  Here’s hoping he doesn’t see a day on Real Madrid’s pitch, it will be for the best.

Brooklyn-The Music Hub of America

Apologies to Southern California but Brooklyn, NY is currently at the top of the music world.  A recent creative spark in the alternative music scene has created a fire storm of great bands all hailing from the coolest borough.  Vampire Weekend (3/4 of them) MGMT, The National, Yeasayer, Das Racist, TV on the Radio, Sleigh Bells, LCD Soundsystem, Grizzly Bear, Animal Collective, Matt & Kim, Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings all are creating some of the best sounds heard today.

ARod, Leo, Ben, and Matt-High stakes poker with a hint of coke

I realize Alex Rodriquez has become a favorite athlete to shit on since he first signed a contract with the Rangers that amassed the GDP of most nations in Africa.  I, for one, usually jump on any critical bandwagon of ARod as fast as any homer Red Sox fan.  I know that hanging out with Hollywood A-listers, playing high stakes poker in mansions throughout Hollywood Hills, is detrimental to America’s favorite pastime, 5 however, can we pump the breaks some on the latest issue MLB has with ARod? My best-loved aspect of the report stated that allegedly someone at one of these games was spotted doing a few lines…how is that possible, especially amongst famous Hollywood types?  Will reporters ever return any honesty to journalism?

How anyone sleeps at night is beyond me, where are you when we need you most, Bud?


1.      When I think my channel destination is upon me, I tend to forget about the abnormal amount of music stations I must pass through.  Every fucking genre is represented and I wish that someday I have an option to delete every last one.

2.      To make matters worse, all three games were televised.  Friday on MLB Network, Fox on Saturday, and ESPN on Sunday night.  I caught 3 or 4 innings at the Tap on Saturday and an early inning on Sunday night.  Like most Sox games, I followed along on ESPN.com’s live game cast. 

3.      Take a sip from the cup of reality, Lance was doped up for each of his Tour wins.

4.      Followed closely by Julia Robert’s out-of-breath self-absorbed Oscar speech for her best actress win for her portrayal of Erin Brockovich.

5.      Debatable

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