A Giant Wet Spot for Mankind

Jul 9, 2012 by

I was born a woman.

I could apologize but then that would be a waste of time, wouldn’t it?  And if I were to do that, I’d have to apologize for all mankind. After all, we’re in this shit together.

As a woman, I do not have the instinctual need to drop a baby at the same speed that a man has the need to drop his seed, although I do carry a similar trait to get laid just as much.  We can be highly sexual and annoyingly horny. Some of us must orgasm at least thrice a day just to quit smoking. This is why being a nun is the highest of all sacrifices; never to have an orgasm without some form of religious guilt. We loath the ‘calling’! The majority of us would much rather dwell in sin. After all, orgasms clear up our skin and make our hair shiny. This is a fact.  Perhaps this is why they wear those horrid habits. God bless ‘em. They need it.

As women, we are shameless with our demand for attention. This should go without saying for most married men and those effeminate wanna-be’s who duct-tape their balls to their assholes. It should easily explain the great deal of time we spend in the bathroom preparing to accompany a date who should know all too well the lady must instinctually be tardy. As women, we abhor being visually unprepared. We must see you drool. It is needed and necessary to feed our vanity, carried by the shitloads in large purses that get larger by the season.

We do not want to be on the phone with someone holding a separate conversation with someone else at the same time; this is grounds for emotional trauma. Frankly, we couldn’t give less of a fuck if that other person shat a gold brick and morphed into Jesus Christ; we still wouldn’t condone such an abomination. Nothing dries up a vagina more than the lack of your undivided attention. Mocking our obvious immaturity is a sin that you shall pay for with your mental stability; when you least expect it.

Over-analyzing is what we do. It might even go hand-in-hand with ovulation, although I’ll have to check my facts again to be absolutely certain. For instance, we realize that there really is no such thing as ownership; especially if you still have to pay a tax on it. Thus, a wife is not property or a tangible asset to buy and sell shares of like the street-walking prototypes we are used to seeing after midnight; although Daddy issues are responsible for more boob jobs than Pamela Anderson…so maybe it isn’t so bad after all.  And maybe I am ovulating.

We have no shame getting things for free because of how we look. We love the fact that it harbors jealously, as a matter of fact, some of us do it for that reason alone. We will never cease this particular action; not until an invention is made that renders men able to bear children…and only then will we consider even an inkling of manufactured guilt.

We have no problem obtaining our own money; though we may rather our masculine counterparts take this responsibility. The problem lies not in the monetary gain but the integrity of the person after they think they are “the shit”. Net worth does not condone inconsideration and immaturity. Until this is clear, consider our asses a player in the game of Monopoly.

We understand, as women, that a few things may have gone awry during the evolution of women’s sexuality. We only seek financial independence if we have been jaded enough to do so. After all, it’s lonely at the top. The only time we abhor being in a relationship is if the other party is unable to go 24 hours without doing something that forces us to go into mothering mode. We hate that; unless you’re a child, of course.

As women, we enjoy the satisfaction of a completed oral session without the need to search for lost teeth or bits of last night’s dinner. Our twenties are about sexual experimentation. This is why it’s perfectly normal to be a slut when you’re young, no matter what age, until we know for absolute fact that our sexual technique can guarantee enough orgasms for a safe and happy habitual encounter.

Women are not for sleeping around by nature; if we were we wouldn’t put so much blind faith in the novelty of the pull-out method. While it might not be our nature, we sure do wish we could sleep around; thus the evolution of bisexuality.  There’s no denying the elephant with the dental dam in the room. No doubt the culprit of such a booming phenomenon has something to do with the need to compensate for what’s lacking from the heterosexual standpoint. Some women don’t even climax from penetration alone…for that fact here is another: No woman can climax from penetration alone. This is why we have clitorises. Face facts.  Perhaps turbo-powered vibrating dildos purchased online aren’t the only thing that a women needs to get off. Have I flipped on any light switches yet?

Sadly our society still isn’t mature enough to get past their ‘morals’ and come to the realization that if conception was controlled via satellite and all STD’s had a two-day expiration date, we would be fucking like a rabbit injected with Mitsubishi ecstasy. We are all sluts, each and every one of us…and the sooner we let go of our inhibitions and traditionally-instilled brain-washing, the sooner 50% of the entire planet can be pregnant by nightfall.

Beautiful women are attractive to us more than we let on. This is a hard pill to swallow for some women, especially the ones who base their lives on historical doctrine. This is why we are more touchy-feely than our gender opposites from a young age. Most of us, as little girls, have experimented beyond the boundary line of a platonic female encounter at least once in our lives. Most of those little girls have been traumatized by their elders because of it, and respond by living a lie based on someone else’s perspective. Those who claim not to feel a homoerotic attraction to a sexy woman at some point are either completely and satisfactorily brainwashed to the liking of the majority or jealous because of their own lack of self-esteem. Women are truly irresistible. Face facts.

A vagina is a beautiful device, although we would rather be recognized and appreciated for our other talents first. Due to a society now driven by the glorification of the so-called ‘titty bar’ it’s easier to obtain employment by dropping it like it’s undeniably hot in front of a crowd than it is with the possession of a Ph.D.

It’s no wonder a women might not ever be president.

In essence, the femininity that is woman has its eccentricities, its flaws and its hypocrisies. Honestly so, yet one cannot deny the beauty and the mystery of the walking, breathing human form of emotion that is us. We must throw it in your faces.

Dammit, we crave the response; each reaction as stimulating and different than the former. It makes our toes curl inside our stilettos, no matter how much they hurt. Beauty is pain, but the satisfaction of the game is delicious. You may be damned with us, but you are most assuredly lost without us. Trust me, if we had the choice we would deal without the pain and the cramps and the hot-flashes and the C-sections and the morning sickness and the post-coitus fishy smells and the water-weight and the emotional downpour and the body-image vulnerability and the sexism and the Eve’s apple bullshit…but we accept our fate and flaunt our well-deserved femininity because of it. By no means do we mean any harm, unless you count dirty, shameless girl fun harmful.

Just take it like a man.



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