12 for ’12: High Probability

Dec 28, 2011 by

It’s often said that sports is the ultimate reality show.  As with most reality shows, the biggest personalities receive the most airtime.  I assume the only difference between the Kardashian’s and the Miami Heat are that there are no preplanned scenarios, writers, makeup artists, or producers at the Heat practice, or are there?  More of the same will be in store for our beloved athletes in 2012, sometimes dreadful, sometimes ridiculous, and every so often interesting.  Here is what I believe will go down next year.

1.) LeBron James embraces his role reversal from last season’s villain to self-proclaimed hero.  He smiles often, expresses genial words for his opponents, and signs on for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars.  However, fans are not buying it and continue to shower him with dismay at every NBA city he visits.  Not feeling the love, James proclaims that he will now reprise his role as a villain for the 2012 NBA playoffs.  The Heat are bounced out of the playoffs in the Eastern Conference finals by the Chicago Bulls.  James is institutionalized for the remainder of the summer.

In another act of the brainsick, Commissioner David Stern reinstates Tim Donaghy.  Donaghy’s reinstatement begins at the start of the NBA playoffs. Stern makes one last gallant effort to seek a ratings boost and revenge on Mark Cuban by enlisting Donaghy to referee all Dallas Maverick  playoff games.  Pressured by owners questioning his sanity, David stern announces his retirement in July. Stern is rumored to be residing at the same unnamed institute where LeBron James is undergoing his treatment.

2.) Urban Meyer completes his first season at Ohio State with a record of 9-3.  To the surprise of no one, Meyer cites extreme exhaustion, deteriorating health, and the ability to spend more time with his family as the reasons for his retirement from the head coaching position.  His wife files for divorce a week later.

3.) Chipper Jones announces that he plans to be the 3rd baseman for the Atlanta Braves for the 2013 season.

4.) Bobby Valentine meets with the media after the Red Sox first spring training game.  He is asked by Boston Globe reporter, Dan Shaughnessy, if he plans to institute a “no alcohol in the clubhouse” policy.  Bobby quickly answers with an emphatic “Fuck no!”  No member of the media asks a similar question to the Red Sox manager throughout the remainder of the season.

5.) Andy Murray disappoints Great Britain by falling short at Wimbledon and again at the London Summer Olympics.  He denounces his citizenship and moves to New York City.  Andy quickly becomes quite the entity in the city, taking up residence in Brooklyn, making an appearance on Howard Stern, and palling around with John McEnroe.  With the NYC fans fiercely behind him, he makes an improbable run to the US Open final before losing to Novak Djokovic in straight sets.  His newfound New York City fan base quickly abandons him.   Andy Murray finds himself without a place to call home.

6.) The Green Bay Packers are victorious in Super Bowl XLVI, blowing out the Tim Tebow led Denver Broncos 38-7.  The media dubs the game the “Christian Bowl,” it is the highest rated Super Bowl of all time.  Later in the summer, Former Pennsylvania Senator, Rick Santorum, wins the Republication nomination to run against Barack Obama for President of the United States.

7.) New York Jets head football coach Rex Ryan and HBO finalize a deal that will guarantee that as long a he is employed as head coach of the New York Jets, his team will be featured each year on the HBO program Hard Knocks.  When asked about the deal, from a New York Times journalist, Rex retorts a question of his own, “Who would you rather fucking  see on HBO, me or Coach Belichick?” 

8.) Dwight Howard continues his reign as the flakiest athlete in professional sports by professing his love for the city of Orlando one day and then demanding a trade the next.  At a post game press conference in April, a beat writer from the Orlando Sentinel walks up to the podium and punches Howard in the face.

9.) It is announced that Van Halen with David Lee Roth will perform at the 2013 Super Bowl halftime show.  Everyone born after 1993 has no idea who they are and a wave of demands for them to be replaced flood the NFL Offices.  This paves the way for Nickleback to be named as Van Halen’s replacement at the event.

10.) A well-known professional soccer player, to the amazement of his teammates and everyone else in the universe breaks, up with his model girlfriend and begins dating a normal girl.

11.) Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers is named MLB’s comeback player of the year.

12.) Sports Illustrated aptly names every judge, referee, umpire, scorekeeper, and official at the 2012 Summer Olympics’ as its Sports People of the Year, due to the fact that not one event or game was negatively impacted by them.

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